ADULT CONTENT WARNING: You’ve seen those cute stop-motion/claymation/felt doll videos that festivals like Bonnaroo and Outside Lands have been using to announce their line-ups? Well, this EXCLUSIVE festival line-up announcement is sorta like that, except it features a real-life mutant alien threatening grievous inter-planetary harm, while fellating a dildo on-cam. Said mutant also threatens to rape some of the talent, if it didn’t have to be onstage at the beautiful bizarre hour of 3AM : “Dave Matthews Band, Jay-Z, Margaret Cho, I planned to majorly rape these f*ckers, but they’ve scheduled us for three o’clock in the morning, and the only people that are gonna be there are drugged-out hippies — and that’s cool, because this will be the biggest opportunity Gwar has had yet to eliminate the entire Hippie race.” Not if this festival-goer has anything to say about it — I love my Hippie peeps — I’m reminded of M.I.A. declaring that if her announced-as-last performance in 2008 would really be her last show, she “wanted to go out with my Hippies at Bonnaroo, peacefully”. Right on, ‘glad it wasn’t really your last show. Herewith, an URB exclusive Bonnaroo announcement from Gwar — who really should be in the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame…plus, my favorite song ever at Bonnaroo, a link to create your own cheesy Bonnaroo movie trailer, and info on an important charity auction.
Heavy Metal might not be the first thing that most folks would equate with Bonnaroo, but Metal at the Roo ain’t no joke…The Sword’s show (Roo’08) remains a major Bonnaroo highlight; Shadows Fall’s show (Roo’09) was devastating, Praxis’s version of Parliament’s “Maggot Brain” (Roo’04), while not fully Metal, remains one of the greatest guitar-slash-violin moments of my life — bar none, and unclassifiable The Mars Volta (Roo ‘09) delivered what is easily in my top-three all-time favorite shows anywhere, anytime — this is the kind of dedicated stage curation I expect at my favorite festival, ’cause I ain’t there to see just one kind of thing…for me, Bonnaroo is a moveable feast, and it’s seven days away.
KARMIC NOTE: Gwar and tons of other artists are donating amazing items for Bonnaroo’s annual silent auction. This year’s auction will be benefiting flood victims in Tennessee, which was a story that got overshadowed by a lot of other events, but people in some parts in TN got clobbered, and they still need your help.
To create your own cheesy Bonnaroo movie trailer, just go HERE and upload a picture of yourself, and then instantly see your mug featured in-clip. My trailer is at the very bottom (where it should be). I’m the spazzy -looking guy wearing sunglasses in the black and white photo seen throughout. Now that you know what I look like, if you’re going to Bonnaroo and see me, don’t hesitate to maybe share a lil’ kind with me. I’m serious. See you at the Roo…..
Oh, and here’s one of my favorite pieces of music ever played at Bonnaroo or at any other festival. I almost never include links to songs that are for sale but in this case the music is just perfect as legendary keyboardist Bernie Worrell (Parliament/Funkadelic. Talking Heads) Bill Laswell, Buckethead, Lily Hayden et, al., deliver a set for the ages. The opening strains are all you’ll hear in the preview which is pointless because it’s basically maestro Worrell getting his fingers nimble, but if you like Parliament/Funkadelic’s “Maggot Brain” (which I own on a 33 RPM 7″ copped at age 11) this may be the best version you’ve never heard, ’til now.
Gwar will be auctioning off this cuddly lil’ doll for charity, extra penis attachments sold separately. Collect all 6!
Sometime around 3:a.m. this extra-terrestrial crack addict and his band iz going to destroy Bonnaroo.
My cheesy Bonnaroo trailer, featuring a B&W photo of a spazzy ME in sunglasses
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